me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
congratulations to them
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.