Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.