oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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No Google it does not
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
When you let grandma cat sit
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”