i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
You Might Also Like
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.