Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.