Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh