me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
From my Mom
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago