What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope