I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Not today
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]