smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
God, I love Scotland
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.