I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
One of the best
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.