Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.