If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
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Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Merry Christmas
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now