*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”