Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?