why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
dutch so unserious
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
when someone compliments me
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
gentlemen, hear me out
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Worst bar ever.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.