Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”