Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*