You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Some people were born into their job.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times