[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You Might Also Like
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency