If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Mornin
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?