Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
You Might Also Like
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
This kinda thing happens to me often
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…