My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas