Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I only treason on days ending in y
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Google Pay be like:
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.