“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
😂😂😂
just leave it at the foot of the bed
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out