I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
How actors in movies eat their food
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///