Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
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[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
🙂🙃🥹
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.