*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.