I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
We’ve all been there…
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
sigh
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too