[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven