It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
look at me when i’m typing to you
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs