Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.