If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You Might Also Like
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea