The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My Guy
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops