WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?