it must be school picture day
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Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds