*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.