The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim