Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
You Might Also Like
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
No. YOU-buprofen.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
This why you should mind your business
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*