Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Just parrot things
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.