Me redecorating every room in my mind
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
So glad we cleared that up
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”