[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me when someone tries to get to know me
new shirt idea
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”