[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what