Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Nomnomnomnom
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Duolingo getting serious.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Don’t make me out nice you.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
this has done me in for some reason
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.