Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
You Might Also Like
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
😂 amazing answer
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Good Morning.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”