Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.