“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs