I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Merica.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.