Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.