clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?